Sean Alten

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These days, more so since I have no idea when your mind is on my mind. My heart skips beats the moment I think of you. The very thought of you engulfs my mind body and soul and stops me in my tracks. Hits me in the chest with 3000 watts of your energy. It is beyond my control. The mere thought of you leaves me feeling numb. Lost. The life I am in without control. Your face. Your eyes. They flash before me in mental images, painted across my mind, obscuring any other thought. It is you. All of you. Every bit of your essence and the body of life that you are. And it makes me wonder what I am to do. I have walked away from things when they get overwhelming, or my heart is too ambitious for what is happening. I have turned and walked away, head down and full of undefined anguish at that which I don’t even know, or yet, realize. I am stuck between inaction and emotionally gripping hands that render me in shock and unmoving. The ability to even think beyond now is being siphoned away by you. Just the thought of you. It is me giving up my head and heart, the cup of me, to you. At that moment is where I am. Between. Between you, and me. Between hands. Between hearts. Between minds. I am in space. Floating. In between two states. With nothing to help actualize my heart’s desire. No way to bring it into reality. It just waits for something. The thought of you to jump-start my passion. A passion that rolls and wanders through the tongues of no one. I can see that all the time. I am no one. Defined by a melancholy that eats at any love or longing. It leaves me in a state of an empty soul wondering how long before the universe tires of my seeming inability to be happy or living in someplace that brings some sibilance of normal love. Compassion and understanding are directed towards me with honesty and initiative of the heart. Where is this elusive joy that everyone I see has? I cannot find it. In the absence of any hearts or love or emotional interactivity, I see only you. Looking at me but not looking. Not through. Not into. At. Looking at me. I cannot read your body language correctly. I don’t even know what to think. I cannot understand this place. It is not what I imagined life would be like for me. Nothing but empty days where I long for someone to care for and care for me. To walk beside. To stand beside, behind, in front of. Where ever you want. I can see that I have the ability to be those places to you. Those ideas. I can be. But I am not. I am. Not. I am nothing. Empty and overwhelmed with emotional despair that rushes upon me and engulfs my heart to drown out that last breath of love. That last gasp of a heart that has been left alone to fade into the ashes of tomorrow and blown across the field to dissipate into the nothing of the either, where it belongs. With no one.